Become a better listener: the listening ladder

Here is something that is easy to forget when we talk about presenting: so much of it is not talking at all. It is listening. As a presenter, showing genuine consideration and respect for the people in front of you matters more than almost anything else. And it makes no difference whether you are deep in conversation with one person, sitting in a meeting, or standing in front of a full room. Not listening, or not clearly showing that you are listening, is the single worst quality a presenter can have. You lose people's trust in a heartbeat.

Handle the question the right way

When someone asks you a question, wait, in every single situation, until they have finished asking the whole thing. This sounds obvious, and yet we interrupt constantly, certain we already know where the question is going. Don't. Let them finish. And then add a little something more: three or four seconds of thought before you answer. Call it real reflection, or call it the appearance of reflection, either way it works. That small pause tells the person that you took their question seriously and gave it a moment's weight. They feel respected, and they warm to you for it.

It is a dialogue, not a monologue

When we humans talk to one another, it often looks less like a dialogue and more like two monologues taking turns. One person finishes, and the other, who has simply been waiting for their moment, launches in. Sometimes it is so obvious that you can see it in the face, the body language and the eyes: this person could not care less about what you are saying, and is only rehearsing what they plan to say next. It is, of course, a rotten quality to have. So be honest with yourself for a moment. What are you like as a listener? Take the criticism on board, because this is one you can genuinely train.

The listening ladder

I find it helps to picture listening as a ladder with four rungs. See if you can spot which one you tend to stand on.

• Rung one, the lowest and the worst, is when you listen while glancing around the room, checking the clock, and generally looking about as interested as a person waiting for a bus.
• Rung two is a small step up. At least now you are looking at the person, although you are still leaning back a little, keeping your distance.
• Rung three is where you start making small sounds of agreement: "mm", "yes", "exactly", "aha". You might even lean in.
• Rung four, the top of the ladder, is when you are unmistakably leaning forward and, on top of those sounds of agreement, you ask questions and offer comments on what the person is actually saying.

So think about it honestly. Which rung do you usually settle on when you communicate? If you want to be the kind of listener other people genuinely enjoy talking to, aim for rung four, and practise it until it becomes who you are.